When I was 19, I told my friend the guy she liked for two years had made a pass at me. At the time, I felt strongly that she should know what had happened so she could move on and find a much nicer man who would reciprocate her affection. But as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I was sorry. The look on her face said it all. Instead of doing her a kindness, I had hurt her -- and, possibly, our relationship.
Thankfully, we're still friends today, but that experience was the beginning of an important lesson (one I am still learning): in any friendship, the line between speaking the truth and being unkind can be very fine.
The reality is that we have as much ability to annoy or offend our friends as we do to support or encourage them. That's why we should all be choosing our words, and considering the motivations behind them, carefully.
Relationships: too close for comfort?
Think about it. How many times have you offered a friend solutions to issues in her life only to see her become irritated? Or asked questions about her new love interest past the point where she seemed willing to share? We all cross the line between what's welcome and what's just plain rude once in a while, because that's the nature of a close relationship -- sometimes it can get too close. Fortunately, there are a number of common-sense strategies that will not only save you from blundering across that line in your friendships but will also make any relationship stronger and more fulfilling.
The first of these strategies, according to Juhree Zimmerman, a life coach in Vancouver, is to create a habit of thinking before you speak. Ask yourself, what, exactly, are my intentions? Zimmerman, who specializes in supporting leaders and individuals to improve their relationships, uses the acronym WAIT -- for Why Am I Talking? -- with her clients, advising them to take a 30-second pause at the beginning of each conversation. "First we must get clear about what we want," says Zimmerman. "Whether it's help, getting something off our chest or reassurance. Only then can we tailor our words to make sure they are in line with our intentions. The more we do this, the less likely we will end up crossing the line."
Showing concern/prying
"If you are truly showing concern," says Zimmerman, "then your intention should be to get just enough information to enable you to help or comfort your friend. Prying is when you push her for details that she is clearly not comfortable divulging."
Zimmerman adds that if you're not sure how far to go with your questions, be transparent. Use phrases such as, "I'm asking you about your husband's recent outbursts because I'm worried about you," or, "I want to support you, but I'm not really sure why you're mad at Joanne." Such explanatory phrases help show that your intentions are good, while giving your friend permission to say something like, "No, I really don't feel the need to share that kind of detail."
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