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WHAT'S NEW
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Family conflict resolution for the holidays
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Criticism, unrealistic expectations, manipulation and more: Family gatherings can be fraught with conflict. Get six tension-taming ways to keep the peace when family fights arise during the holiday season.
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By Aileen Brabazon
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Family conflict scenario 4: You better side with me -- you know I'm right!
Solution: It's stressful and irritating when family members try to pull you into the middle of their fight. To politely decline the invitation to engage in their drama, encourage them to take time out to let their strong emotions cool down. Or if they're being too negative and you feel tense, simply walk away. "Sometimes it then helps to talk about your own feelings -- I advise people to call a friend," says O'Byrne.
Family conflict scenario 5: You never come home AND you never call me!
Solution: Accustomed to guilt trips when you go home for the holidays? Rather than respond to whining accusations with a defensive attitude ("What do you mean? I call all the time!"), which can spark an argument, try to remain calm. Chat about how they feel and the reasons why you may not call as often as they'd like, and remind them that you love them.
Family conflict scenario 6: You didn't get the kind of stuffing I wanted or set the table properly -- you're just doing it all wrong.
Solution: It's hard to keep up with everyone's expectations during the holidays, and it feels horrible when you're told how you haven't measured up. When that happens, O'Byrne says it's important to stand up for yourself. To do so without the situation escalating into a full-fledged fight, communicate instead of yell, she says. And use I statements rather than you statements -- the former is less accusatory -- so the other person doesn't get defensive and angry because they feel attacked.
You'll be better able to gracefully deal with family tiffs and enjoy the holidays when you're relaxed, so do things to keep your stress level low. For example, regularly practise yoga or meditate to calm your mind, go out and have fun with friends and get enough sleep and exercise.
Finally, keep your own expectations in check. Try not to get stressed out if a fight ensues despite your peace-making efforts. "Expectations lead to disappointment," says O'Byrne, "so it's best to envision everything going well and then having the flexibility to go with whatever happens."
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