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Family conflict resolution for the holidays
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Criticism, unrealistic expectations, manipulation and more: Family gatherings can be fraught with conflict. Get six tension-taming ways to keep the peace when family fights arise during the holiday season.
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By Aileen Brabazon
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Joy. Cheer. Goodwill. While you may aspire to a loving and kind festive season, the truth is it's not always a feel-good time. The holidays are notorious for outbreaks of family fights.
"In part, that's because families are spending more concentrated time together," says Dr. Sheila O'Byrne, a Calgary-based psychologist. With so much togetherness during the holidays, there's potential for annoyance and for old patterns and unresolved issues to surface. Plus, there's often a lot of pressure for things to run smoothly and for everyone to behave exceptionally, which can also stir up tension.
If your holidays are usually filled with tiffs and you wish for a calmer and happier time, here are some pointers to help you gracefully keep the peace.
Family conflict scenario 1: This is the worst gift -- I can't believe you bought it for me
Solution: If you're railed on for your choice of presents, you might be tempted to retort with a snide remark, encouraging a fight. Instead, take a deep breath and respond with composure and good manners. "I'd keep a receipt and give it to them and say, ‘Well, go get something you like.' It doesn't have to be a big drama or fight," says O'Byrne.
Family conflict scenario 2: What do you mean you're not coming home for the holidays?
Solution: Arguments and hurt feelings can arise when you don't agree on where and when to celebrate the holidays. To prevent last-minute disappointment and squabbles, establish a game plan for the holidays well in advance so everyone is prepared for how things will be. "It's good to make agreements," says O'Byrne. "In my family, the married couples take a turn at one set of in-laws', then the other in-laws' and then at their own home."
Family conflict scenario 3: My sister gets everything -- it makes me nuts!
Solution: Sibling rivalries can surface when everyone's under the same roof. "I think there are always hierarchies in families -- some siblings have more or less, some are slimmer or richer," says O'Byrne. Whether you're experiencing envy or you're the brunt of your sibling's jealousies and are irritated, here's what to do: Take a time-out by going for a walk or meditating rather than freaking out. Then, if you wish, calmly speak about how you feel once the height of your emotion has passed.
Are you a negotiator or a pushover? Take our quiz to find out what your conflict style is.
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