I began to fashion a Couples Code of Conduct when I found myself in a restaurant with three prime examples of how not to behave as a pair in public.
I'm all in favour of couples. In fact, some of my best friends -- oh, you know what I mean. But what makes me crazy are couples who choose to hang out with other people, then act as if they are (a) trying to impersonate Siamese twins, (b) totally alone or (c) catching up on a missed therapy session.
Couple A
Which brings me to my dinner companions. Couple A sat so close together, it was a wonder she didn't get a black eye when he bent an elbow to spear a piece of carrot. Then he began waving the carrot (and the fork) in front of her face. This looked even more hazardous than the elbow, but, whew, he was merely feeding his beloved a root vegetable. Hang on a minute. He was doing what? This was a restaurant, not a zoo.
Couple B
Couple B gamely sat on opposite sides of the table, but soon made it clear you don't have to be close to be close. Him, calling over to Her: "Hey Honey, this lasagna reminds me of when we were in Italy." Her: "Mmm, me too. Remember the Duomo?" Him: "Yeah, and that guy selling watercolours?" I was semi-dozing, but I woke up when Him leaned across the table and gave Her a big smooch and his tie somehow flapped onto my nose.
Couple C
Finally, there was Couple C. They were obviously hanging on to the couple cliff by their fingernails. Her, hissing quietly: "Don't drip food on your shirt." Him, muttering: "I'm not." Her (with a sand-blasting smile directed at all of us): "He's so adorable -- I sometimes call him Pigpen." Oh dear.
These people clearly needed help. Since I never got around to writing Beat Being an Extreme Couple: You Two Can Appear in Public without Making Your Friends Cringe, here is a handy synopsis.
Rules of conduct
First, adults are not teenagers. Teens form Maximum Extreme Couples; they can't help themselves. However, any adult who channels his/her inner teen when in the company of others is, to put it bluntly, rude.
Second, no private jokes, and positively no so-called laffs at the expense of your partner, who, believe me, will be highly embarrassed at the story of tripping over the cat and ending up in the toilet.
Finally, if you feel an irresistible urge to re-enact a youthful romance, with all the social blundering that entails, locate a copy of Khalil Gibran's The Prophet, one of the most well-thumbed books of the '60s and '70s. Gibran had a lot -- some might say too much -- to say about coupledom, but he did write this gem: "...stand together, yet not too near together." Right on.
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