|
|
|
WHAT'S NEW
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
Be a better listener
|
|
|
6 ways to tune up your listening skills and be a better friend.
|
|
|
By Julia Morgan
|
|
|
|
|
4. Respond appropriately
Supportive responses and creative questions about what your friend is saying show her you care. If she's upset about a breakup, asking her to take you back to the first signs of trouble signals that you want to hear the whole story.
We have a real obligation to follow up when the person we're listening to says something important, says McLaughlin. We've all been in the situation where we say something meaningful and the person we're talking to leads off in a new direction, making it obvious that she doesn't care or wasn't listening.
Creative followup questions come from using imagination and empathy. Picture the experience or scene your speaker is describing and ask yourself what is missing or what else might be fascinating about it. Maybe a friend has told you she just ran in a marathon. Don't you want to know what the finish line looked like as she stumbled through the last few metres? You can also pick up on the speaker's emotions for clues about what to ask. Is she sad when she mentions her result but seems to want to say more? Is she excited when she talks about the reaction of the crowd?
Finally, go easy with advice. You should only offer it if someone asks, and even then, only cautiously. "You can take someone's integrity away by not giving her the opportunity to work it out on her own," says Saul.
5. You have to want to
Trouble is, many of us avoid listening, or cheat when we should be doing it. We could think the other person doesn't have anything to say, or we might not want to hear the message. We might be letting our busy lives get in the way by thinking about something else. Or perhaps we are too focused on ourselves. But when you give someone the gift of listening, you both benefit.
6. Make a time investment
There's no way around it: listening takes time. Wolkoff says that too often he sees couples who don't put time and effort into getting to know each other. "We think we can get away with having the title," he says. "But relationships are like bread. They're only good if you make them fresh every day." Wolkoff recommends that couples set aside at least three hours a week to listen to each other. That means removing all distractions and doing something such as sharing a meal or going for a walk.
If you have kids, spend time with them "without the television on and when you're not nagging them to clean up their room," says Wolkoff. And with close friends, "you still have to spend some time just sitting and listening, mixed in with general fun and shared enjoyable pursuits."
9 habits great listeners avoid
1. Interrupting or finishing sentences.
2. Barging in instead of allowing small pauses for the speaker to gather or expand her thoughts.
3. Mentally composing a reply while the other person is talking.
4. E-mailing, watching TV or otherwise allowing yourself to be distracted.
5. Telling anecdotes meant to bring the focus back to you.
6. Offering unsolicited advice or solutions.
7. Failing to follow up when something meaningful, important or interesting is said.
8. Listening just for information while ignoring the emotional message.
9. Not setting aside time to listen on a regular basis.
Page 2 of 2
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 more articles |
|
|
|
|
|
|
