Improving our listening skills can lead to more intimate, satisfying relationships, whether they're with a close friend, a child or a romantic partner. Dr. Lynne Saul, a registered marriage and family therapist who frequently gives seminars on listening skills, says that when you don't listen to someone, you send a loud and clear message that he is not worth your attention. That person doesn't feel important, validated or affirmed -- hardly a recipe for closeness.
Fortunately, just as we can adopt healthy habits, such as exercising regularly, to improve our health, there are key listening habits we can learn that will lead to healthier relationships.
1. Go on a journey
To put yourself in a receptive state for listening, you need to be open-minded. Think of it as a journey, with the person you are listening to as your guide. You don't know where she is going to take you, and you shouldn't try to guess. When you start this way, you're going to get more out of the experience. If you anticipate where the conversation is going or you forget to set aside your doubts or expectations, you will probably miss something important.
The trivializing response many parents have when a young teenager's relationship ends is a great example of not wanting to go on the journey and thus failing to listen. "They say, 'OK, I know how to handle this one,' and meanwhile they're trying to figure out how to resolve a problem at work," says author and journalist Paul McLaughlin, who frequently trains other journalists in key interviewing skills, including listening. "Then they tell the child 'Yeah, well I know it hurts, Honey, but you'll be surprised how quickly you'll get over it.'" Meanwhile, says McLaughlin, that child is going through the same kind of pain as an adult whose long-term relationship has just ended. "So inside the child is saying 'You don't hear me. I loved this person.' And those kinds of moments are very important."
2. Embrace silence
It may sound obvious, but good listeners offer space to speak. This means not interrupting and not finishing the other person's sentences.
"A lot of us think, yeah, we're right on target, when we finish someone's thoughts. It shows the person that, hey, I'm with you," says Saul. But, in fact, you're undermining the person's right to speak for herself and unnecessarily bringing the focus back to yourself. And again, by anticipating instead of listening, you could be wrong about what the speaker is about to say.
To really allow someone to speak, you need to embrace silence. Allow some breathing room when the person you are listening to pauses. If you don't jump in immediately, she might appreciate the chance to reflect a bit more and continue.
"People are rarely given a chance to speak for even a couple of minutes in a row before someone interrupts their thoughts," says McLaughlin. "But if you get a chance to go deeper into your thoughts, in many cases, you are able to give a more interesting answer, a deeper level of communication."
3. Look for the whole message
We all know that a lot about our feelings and intentions gets conveyed nonverbally. Our tone and our body language send subtle clues about how well we are listening, but the speaker will drop these sorts of hints as well.
With practice, you can "listen between the lines" to help you detect if there is something your friend is deliberately or inadvertently not saying.
When you look for the whole message, you're "basically trying to feel your way into her shoes," says Dr. Irvin Wolkoff, a writer, broadcaster and psychiatrist who has been in practice for 25 years. "You're not just hearing the words but actually trying your best to understand the emotional and mental state of your conversation partner."
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