Does this suit make my bum look fat?" "Do you think I should marry Morty?" "You don't look well. Are you sick?" You know the questions. They're nosy, tactless or bound to jeopardize a relationship.
How do you respond gracefully and honestly without embarrassing yourself or hurting others?
You can't prevent the question from being asked, says Ann Marsh, vice-president of Influence, Etiquette & Protocol Ltd. in Calgary, but you can decide how to answer.
"Number one, you get to decide whether to respond or what it is you want to respond with and how much to tell," says Marsh, whose company provides training in professionalism and business etiquette. "You can't change the questions that they ask, so it's all in how you deal with your answer."
1. The question is too nosy: "Is this your first pregnancy?"
"I think it is amazing that so many people think your reproductive life and your sex life is any of their business," said Ann Douglas, author of The Mother of All Pregnancy Books (Wiley, $26.99). Like many women, Douglas has had a miscarriage and a stillbirth, so answering that question can mean revealing your whole reproductive history. "You can choose to answer," she says. Or not.
Most people don't mean to be rude, so how you respond is really up to you. "You can choose to be offended. You can choose to be annoyed. You can choose to be embarrassed," says Marsh. "But oftentimes that's not the intention of the question." So, if you feel like it, you can explain everything. If not, advises Marsh, you can simply stick to the facts and say no.
2. The question calls for reassurance you cannot possibly provide: "Do you think this lump means I have cancer?"
David Posen has been asked this question and pretty much every other medical question you can think of gazillions of times -- but then he's been a doctor for 37 years. How should you respond (assuming you're not a physician)? The Oakville, Ont.-based counsellor and author of The Little Book of Stress Relief (Key Porter, $18.95) says your answer should be simple and direct. "I'm not the right person to ask. But if you are suspicious or worried, I think you should have it looked at."
3. The question requires you to lie to avoid breaking etiquette rules: "Do you like my new haircut?"
Marsh says a person who asks this kind of question is not really asking for an honest opinion. "We ask these questions looking for positive reinforcement." Her recommendation? "We encourage you to look for the positive way to answer, but don't lie so that you are not compromised."
Posen says you must figure out whether she is looking for real feedback to help make a decision (Should I buy these shoes?) or simply fishing for a compliment. If it's the latter, you may as well give her one -- even if it means bending the truth a little. "There are times when kindness trumps honesty," says Posen.
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